For me, my battle with alcohol, dependency, addiction has been an up and down battle. Filled with struggle, disappointment, serenity, strength and learning. For years I have tried to understand, I’ve focused, failed and persevered.
Just recently, I realized and related my struggles to a simple analogy…
My addiction is ‘My Boulder on the Hill’….
There it sits, atop this magnificent slope. Gleaming, looming, top heavy… Ominous and amazingly apparent.
Beneath this boulder, down the slope, in a beautiful, lush valley, sits my life. Everything that means so much to me, everything that has developed in my life. My relationships, my family, my health, my dreams, my motivations… everything. So perfectly positioned underneath the great shadow of ‘My Boulder’.
Throughout my developing years, I relentlessly kicked, pushed, leaned against, and didn’t respect ‘My Boulder’… Reckless action, selfishness, disregard filled my life. And not too surprisingly, ‘My Boulder’ came loose. And it bounded, unstoppable down the hill. 2 DUI’s, jail time, loss of license, inpatient treatment, ruined relationships… gathering speed the entire way, it plowed through my village, leaving nothing but ruin in its wake. And there I sat… confused by how this could have happened, not realizing that my deliberate abuse on ‘My Boulder’ unleashed this mess.
So, I had some work to do.
My ‘Village’ was in ruin, and in the midst, sat ‘My Boulder’, it needed to be removed, before I could start rebuilding. I knew this, so I went to work… pushing ‘My Boulder’ back up the hill. It was heavy, overwhelming, time consuming… not easy.
Over a few years, I was able to get ‘My Boulder’ out of my ‘Village’. I could start rebuilding, and expanding.
However, I only got ‘My Boulder’ partway up the hill… I spend the majority of my time holding that boulder from crashing down again. It was exhausting. I was drinking, causing
problems, but somewhat holding it together, my back was killing me. Somehow, remarkably, while holding ‘My
Boulder’ halfway up the hill I was able to make some progress on my ‘Village’. I had cleaned up some of the damage, I had expanded, created a family, proving some successes in my career. All while a back and forth went on, getting ‘MyBoulder’ back up the hill… I would make some progress, then it would slip backa bit. “It’s OK” I thought… I’ll get it
back up there. This went on and on, progress, set back, over and over… Then it happened. I could hold it up no more, my feet were slipping, my legs were weak… and there it went again. Back down onto my ‘Village’. With great momentum it turned my life upside down.
Everything that was rebuilt was flattened again.
At this point, I knew something had to change… I could not keep rebuilding my ‘Village’, and I was not sure if I had the strength to re-secure ‘My Boulder’ back on the hill. But I had to try, I had too much going for me, there was too much at stake. So, with some motivation from those around me, I dug in again, beginning the ascent back up the hill, pushing my gargantuan, life crushing in front of me. I went to AA, read about recovery, developed faith, learned about myself and put in immense effort.
With considerable sweat, determination and white knuckling grit, I have placed ‘My Boulder’ back on the hill. I have been able to lift my hands from it for a mere moment. I couple times I have bumped into it, maybe struck it out of anger, or turned my back on it… It has teetered, but not fallen. As the days go by, my skills improve, stabilizers are placed beneath the rock, and these come in the form of sponsorship, service, making selfless decisions, enjoying the blessings of life.
It feels good, to have some stability, to not have to constantly monitor its movements or hold it steady.
I know that I can’t get comfy, because all it takes is a strong gust of misfortune, one lapse of judgment, to set things back into motion and hurling towards everything I have built.
I also know, that I won’t go kicking ‘My Boulder’ any time soon….