Is Denial more than just a river in Africa?

To share some recent thoughts than I’m having, I am struggling with understanding what is driving them.

Am I an alcoholic, yes, undoubtedly…  But, am I struggling with not drinking.  Not really, at least I don’t think so.

Then the thought creeps in.  Could I drink again?  Well of course I could…  Would it help anything, probably not.

Quickly, I am reminded of all of the reckage that my drinking caused in the past. Why would I consider going back there? Would anything be different?  Are these normal thoughts?

Recently I read an article that a relapse starts way before the first drink, is that what’s happening here?  I am in denial about my disease?  Why did I just have a dream that I was drunk.  I am not working my program?  I am one of those unforunates?

The point here is that recovery, as I’ve experienced it, is full of questions.  For most, this is uncharted territory, this is not easy.  Personally, I think these thoughts are normal and are a way of a person trying to understand the process of recovery.

The most important thing is that you don’t let these questions drive you back to drinking. As problem drinkers, we are pretty good at not worrying about these thought questions by drowning them in a drink.  This is where a support structure, and/or a sponsor comes in.  As my sponsor always says, ‘Take your mess to your sponsor, take your message to the meeting.’

So, in summary, don’t be scared of the questions, but make sure you are open and honest about the answers.

Enjoy your journey!

– M

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